get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
