ya dads aren't the best wingmen
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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