mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
