I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
