Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
And then my night got REAL pukey
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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