I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
