apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
