i may or may not be watching the land before time
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
