I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize