my phone needs a breathalizer
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
