don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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