Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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