i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
