I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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