I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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