How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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