Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
