I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
