that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
