I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
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