I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My vagina is officially offended.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
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