Just cropdusted the office
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
