my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
