whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I am naked and annoyed.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
