Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
