I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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