That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
