I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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