and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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