i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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