There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
