I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize