you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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