just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
