im six kinds of drunk right now
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
