I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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