The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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