"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
