I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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