I accidentally had phone sex last night
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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