I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
