I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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