Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
love makes seman taste better
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Randomize
