so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
