why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
