I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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