Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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