Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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