dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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