Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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