i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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