So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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