i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
