He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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