please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
