I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
