I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
