When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
